For days I am reading and reading articles regarding motherhood/parenthood. The strange thing is that during the last period I am not reading articles that flaunting – as usually – emotions of being a parent and the unique experience of raising kids. More and more articles are being written about the right of many women – and men of course – not to have any children.
My personal opinion always was – for a strange reason – that everybody is free to do anything he/she wants. I always assume that people are not the same, they don’t have the same capacity to do things, they don’t have the same needs or tastes. I eat different kinds of food from my brother. I hear different kinds of music from my cousin. I wanted a different profession from my other classmates. So is it so strange if some people want kids and some others don’t? Yes, as I see until nowadays. For some people out there the desire to avoid having kids is completely crazy!
With this conclusion, I just thought about the opposite. Which are the irrational, wrong reasons for somebody to have a kid. Because, let’s be honest: only a few people around us had a child knowing what is going to happen into their lives. Yes, the kid is “a gift from God” or “a meaning of life” as many people say, but it is also a great responsibility. Maybe the greatest. And if I retrospect that most of the people around me are at least irresponsible, then I already know what these people were thinking before they had children.
I ended up to the reasons that I know since I was a child that people claim in order to have kids. Unfortunately, these reasons seem to be increased and not decreased during the years. Sometimes I just hope that people are less and less driven by guilt/insecurity/taboos/compulsions/prejudice but then I am disappointed seeing people with fancy clothes and good jobs almost “dead” from the pressure that they feel because of their petty perception. It is too bad that many people will keep having kids not because they want it but due to their belief that this is the appropriate thing to do. And because their personal pressure on themselves it is not enough, they will continue trying to push others to make the same mistake. So, if one day somebody will say to them that he/she doesn’t want a kid or a kid didn’t come up to their lives, they will look pejoratively this truly unlucky or “weird” childless person sitting opposite them. Why? Because people who consciously do not want to have a kid are not normal, regarding their opinion. Normal are people who will have kids no matter what, even if that means that someday they will feel completely miserable.
But really, which are the most common reasons if somebody wants “necessarily” to have a kid:
- I think that I am too old. If I am not having a kid now, then it’s going to be too late. In other words, I think that I should hurry up because time is running out: The only thing here is that having a child is not the same like running in a race. It is not even a meeting or a date where you should be on time. Moreover, there is not an ideal age when you should have or it is good to have a child and I am not speaking regarding biological terms. It is just wrong to say when it is the right age for the human beings to reproduce. Somebody can be ready to be a parent in his/her early twenties and some other people are not capable to be parents even in their forties.
- Mum wants grandchildren: As she always wants, asks and expects things, right? That is what parents do. They always ask stuff to cover their “empty” and repressed parts. This is a big, important and really “looong” subject so I will avoid to discuss it right now, but most of the times this is what happens. Parents wait from their kids to do something and when this will be done, then they will ask for more. And no, it is almost impossible for them to be completely satisfied and sicken of their kids’ success. So before kids have their own kids they should wonder if this is their desire or their mother’s. If somebody didn’t become a lawyer or a doctor because it was his/her mother’s desire, then he/she should not have a kid only because his/her mother will be really miserable without grand-kids.
- All my friends have made their own families: So? Do friends changing diapers, breastfeeding or taking the kids to the school together? It is all right to feel affectionately for kids but to have your own child is a whole different story. Just imagine yourself – who is afraid of heights – going for bungee-jumping because your friend likes it very much. Weird, right? Maybe bungee-jumping seems cool and maybe you want to share the experience with your friend, but just hold a minute and think if you can stand it and really do it. Moreover, many psychologists say that having a child is like “having a tattoo on your face”. So, everybody should wonder if they want a tattoo on their face, regardless of the fact that their friends have already a “tattoo” on their faces.
- I cannot stand the social “pressure”: One of the worst reasons to have a child. Society always judges and criticizes e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g and e-v-e-r-y-b-o-d-y. Haven’t you noticed? We all do that. We forget what have we done and we judge others. We cannot avoid it, it’s the way of our lives, as Aristotle said: “Human being is a social being”. So it is difficult for us to change. We live in social groups and we always make comments about other social groups, as we consider our group as the best. Example: I created my own family and have my kids, so I believe that householders are the “right” kind of people and I want my personal identity to be associated with them. Or I am white and I think that black people are “weird” or even “bad”. This habit does not stop. Moreover, it is not only a characteristic of human beings. In some studies was found that even monkeys tend to criticize and gossip other monkeys! So it is too pointless if somebody gives birth to a child in order to avoid others’ gossip. Additionally, even if somebody has a child receives comments and judgment but for different reasons (i.e. “you are a good parent or not”). Thus, if somebody wants a child to protect his/her prestige (because somebody will call him/her “childless” instead of “child-free”), he/she should just read some books of Social Psychology and then everything is going to be fine. Because really I feel sorry for the kid in advance!
- This is the main purpose of human beings: So stupid and general slogan that many times seems disgusting! If everybody should singing lullabies next to small beds then really what can I say about humans? We are so original and adventurous, right? And so many different social groups (i.e. LGBT, people with infertility problems, people with mental disorders etc.) that maybe won’t have kids, what should they do since they lost their main purpose? Are they abnormal or not humans? I always pissed off with this expression: “Reproduction is the main purpose of human beings”. My next purposes is to go to Brazil for one month and then to Argentina for six months! I want somebody to convince me that these is not good enough purpose and that there are more exciting things in life!
- Life will not be “full” without kids: Moreover, life is less complicated, inconvenient, busy and stressful without kids, but this is something rarely mentioned! Especially parents avoid to discuss about this hard aspect of parenthood! But I was lucky in my life and until now I have met enough people that they were not feeling “more full” by having kids. So, I make a little research and I found another aspect of the truth: Children could give a new meaning to our lives, but persons who were not OK and full before kids, they didn’t feel better or more complete after. The only thing they did was to destroy their lives and their childrens’ lives.
- My partner wants a kid, so I should accept his/her desire in order to keep this “good” relationship and not lose him/her: OK, we have said that relationships demand patience, retreats and compromises, but this is way too much! Many people still believe that the syndrome “I am Jesus and I sacrifice myself for you” is still good and positive in relationships but guess what! 2.000 years have already passed since Jesus was popular. We are officially in Aquarius period so that’s it, enough! Have a child because you want a child and not because your partner asks for it. It’s not a personal favor at all unless if you have decide to “grant” a child to your partner before your break-up (similar to a donation of sperm/ovum but without doctor’s help). But if you don’t, you will be regretting for the rest of your life this unwanted “compromise” and you will inculpate your partner for your decision. And as I often say: there are many bad erotic combinations. The worst is between somebody who honestly desires a child and somebody who cannot think himself/herself as a parent.
P.S. One last thing from me to you: You can browse in some lovely websites which were created for every person in this world that didn’t want or didn’t have the luck to have children yet. There are much more child-free people that we can imagine and they are “hungry” for some peaceful time without discussions about kids. Learn more about them!