“Women want almost always to be in a relationship and men almost always don’t want it”. Here is one of the biggest myths and one of the most common misunderstandings between males and females. Billions of pages have been covered with words in order women to be informed about what they can do “to conquer a man’s heart” or “to persuade a man to consider your relationship more seriously” (in other words, to consider the girl as “the one and only” and finally marry her). The bad thing here is that most of the articles that are referred to men, women and sexual relationships have being written by females. For sure this fact does not help women to understand deeply male psychism and the real nature of heterosexual relationships. On the contrary women becoming more and more confused.
The idea of a heterosexual man (no gay, I insist!) giving his advice and opinion to heterosexual women started being a popular policy of many magazines, websites and blogs who were working in the past exclusively with female columnists. This policy brought significant written results, which means that through the male articles it was obviously seemed how differently – and also similarly sometimes – a man sees love and commitment than a woman. Then, male “secrets” – that hypothetically women wanted to know – started coming to light. Writing of books and digital and printed columns was next and by those days male and female writers were finally giving the male side of things.
And what about male readers? It is true that women are the basically readers of articles with regard to relationships, but we should not forget that during the last years many men also want to read about love, sex and the way that women think. This is the reason why male magazines, websites and blogs (who are curated mainly by men columnists) have significantly increased during the last decade. No need to mention that the amount of care that all these years has been given to articles for female readers, the same care should be given regarding articles for male readers. In this way, men will not have a mistaken opinion concerning female thought and behavior.
Nowadays, both men and women can find really qualitative books and articles to read about the big question “why men and women live in the same planet but they seem to come from different ones?”. Almost always one of the favorites subjects of these types of articles and books is the way men and women see personal relationships and more specifically, the reasons why women often seem absolutely ready for a relationship while men usually seem that they are not willing to have one.
Today some possible reasons why a man does not wish a commitment will be analyzed. Next post will include possible reasons why women constantly willing to have a relationship. One thing we should always have in mind. There is no rule only for one of the two genders (usually it has to do with both genders, more or less) and we should never assume that all men or all women think, feel and act in the exact same way. Uniqueness of everyone is above everything!
Reasons why a man does not wish commitment
- Because a relationship is a statement and a real man usually is careful with his statements
Maybe is the way that most men are raised or it is the received pressure to “keep their words” and to mean what they say etc. In other words males have been raised with the idea that everything they say (e.g. a promise) cannot be easily deleted and it counts for the person that heard it. So they are ten times more careful before they speak and they usually say only the necessary and “safe” things. And no, females had not received this kind of pressure. Women are hypothetically more sensitive and it is strange that nobody until now did not think to ask from women to keep their statements unchangeable in their relationships.
- If his first statement was “I don’t want a relationship” then it is almost impossible for him to change his mind
Yes, women always believe that they are capable to change men while men do not ever change – unless they will decide by themselves to change. In other words, no woman has the “magical power” to make a man wanting her like a maniac. If she is lucky then the man she wants will decide BY HIMSELF to come emotionally closer to her. There are many reasons to explain such a decision (and probably many of them are not necessarily pleasant for a woman to hear them). Just remember: When a man states that he does not want a relationship, then his statement counts no matter what. Whatever he does after this statement, it just does not matter. Still even if we speak about the most touching, wonderful, unbelievable thing you can imagine and which you will consider it as “cancellation” of his initial statement. No, there is no cancellation here! General truth for men is one: If a man does not cancel or change his first statement by his own wish, then the statement is still on. For example if he never said clearly something like: “I thought again about us and I think that from now on I want us to be together for real” then he never changed his mind (no matter how cute and romantic he is with you). Yes, he has the time of his life, yes this can be the scenery of a relationship but no, this is not a relationship. He made a statement. Try to “swallow” and “digest” this whole thing because unfortunately it is not going anywhere.
- One is never enough.
A man usually finds it quite difficult to be in one relationship with only one woman for a whole life. There is “moment” in every man’s life which he should make up his mind if he wants to see his life in a completely new phase. This moment is when he will leave every potential girlfriend behind in order to be devoted to the woman he will choose. It is quite difficult, it scares them (and it is really natural!) as they feel that they are losing their freedom. Moreover, they feel that deny many moments of potential pleasure and happiness with other women. And let’s give it honestly: Few men manage to cross successfully to the other “side” and even fewer will succeed to control their instincts for a long time. But before we blame men for every bad thing in this world, let’s think about every not at all better behavior of women.
- Appearance and sex are not enough.
A male could have a lot of fun with his partner but maybe he does not have so much fun in general with her and that is why he cannot think this relationship to last forever. Stereotypes want men emotionally and mentally immature, but of course reality is completely different. Men think and feel absolutely fine regarding their sexual life. In addition, we can say that male thoughts are not so much different than female thoughts. So, a man will not make a life decision just for some good sex or a nice appearance. For example, humor, communication and understanding are equally (or even more) important factors for a man to consider his relationship as significant.
- He doesn’t want a relationship. Really, who said that?
He just does not want relationship with you. Do you know how many men that said to a girl “I am not looking for anything serious” they soon got married with a random girl who fell madly in love?
- The permanent problem with “that ex” or that “so-close lover”
So if you found a guy that he still thinks some woman from his past (and he speaks about that to you), then news are bad! Even if he does not compare her with you (not even subconsciously) and even if he cares about you, probably he will never be completely yours. Do not hope that you can delete her from his life or his mind, it is just impossible. Additionally, do not try to make her seem “smaller” to his eyes because he is going to hate you. Just remember yourself, some years before when the first days of autumn you were crying because your summer love did not last. Memories like that will help you realize that all of us someday hoped about something and eventually we got hurt. So, show to your man that you feel and think something more and better than stupid jealousies and comparisons with a “ghost”. Maybe you are not the best, maybe you are not better but you can certainly be an equally good partner compared to any other ex girlfriend.
- His mother is just so important to him. Her opinion is even more important.
Oedipus complex is so well-known so I do not think that I should give a lot of details. If you have read some Freud you already know many things. Moreover, you should be already aware of that if a man cares in an absolute way about his mother’s opinion, then in the case that mum has a negative opinion he will just stop dating the girl. Unfortunately, there are not many things that a woman can do in such a case. Too difficult from the beginning already!
The only thing I want to say to every woman that reads this article: Be careful because someday many of you will have sons (or you already have them). You raise tomorrow men who will make a woman suffer –or not- based on quality of nurture that received. Since you already know how terrible can be somebody’s uncontrollable love towards his mother, you should try to avoid reproducing this wrong parent-child model between you and your child. Otherwise, it is just irrational to speak badly about men with Oedipus complex and the same time to raise sons in the same way. If we are not capable to make the difference with our children, then let’s stay silent for the rest of our lives.
Bonus: When a man wants relationship and a woman doesn’t.
Who said that the exact opposite does not exist? Always, in every historical period, there were many women who were disliking anything that was related with stability and commitment to a relationship and simultaneously there were always men ready for a relationship almost with every somewhat interesting woman. Moreover, the repetitive scenario of “hungry for commitment” men who are almost exclusively interested for independent women can make the whole situation even more interesting for further thinking and analysis. Let’s not forget that there are some men with somewhat “female psyche” and women with “male psyche” who inevitably are attracted to each other (the question if they can live together in harmony is a completely different subject).
Instead of an epilogue
The reasons why a man avoids commitment have been analyzed above. These reasons are a general truth for men and relationships (but we should always keep in mind the specialty of every human being). If all or some of the reasons that have been mentioned are until nowadays unknown to most of the women, then we cannot exclusively blame men for not expressing their needs and wishes, but also women for not hearing what men really say. When a male says “I do not want a relationship” and a female understands that “Maybe he does not want a relationship now but I will find the way to make him want this”, then it is not man’s fault who didn’t mention the 10 reasons why relationship is not an option but it is woman’s fault who tries to find the best 10 ways to change man’s opinion. And as many men in my friendly environment have mentioned to me: “Men try to be honest and women just cannot stand it. Women probably prefer a guy who says big words like ‘One day I am going to marry you’ or ‘You are the one and only for me’ one month before he will abandon them. You cannot accept a guy who says ‘I like you and I want for now to have a good time with you without having any other thoughts’. So probably many women want a life full of hypocrisy and this makes them unpleasant and pressing partners. In addition, men turned to be liars because no man who wants sex from a woman will risk to be honest with the woman who is desperate to hear a ‘fairy-tale’”.
But if we want to be completely fair we should mention the rare but true situation in which a man who initially was negative to be in a relationship, in the end he changed his mind and – as we previously said – he canceled his previous statement and he got committed. In this type of situations a woman has some time and space to show her true self (and not the wonderful, perfect one which always leads to negative results). If a man begins to believe that the woman who met and initially rejected her is eventually interesting, smart and independent then he will rethink his first statement of keeping a distance from her and not giving a second chance to this new person. You see, especially males are those who want to feel real honesty and safety with another person in order to decide to “open their hearts” for good.
Note: This post will be continued and finished in the second part which is in the works.