When women want a relationship and men don’t (second and last part)

How is to be in other gender's shoes?
How is to be in opposite gender’s shoes?

In the previous post some possible reasons why usually a man avoids commitment have been analyzed. In the current post I will mention some important reasons why women seem (we will see if they are) almost always ready and available for a serious relationship. The end of the misunderstanding why men seem to be often against relationships  while women seem always in favor of them will be given in the present in big detail.

Firstly, it should be clarified that most of the reasons (if not all of them) that have been mentioned in the first post regarding men and in this post regarding women are based on one simple, objective and international truth: Even in our days relationships are formed through a patriarchal model. We can assume that things are better (yes, of course they are better), but all of us are still full of thoughts and ideas that our parents and our grandparents had. So we need mental maturity, deep thinking and strong feelings if we want to change general beliefs that we have been carrying until now. Maybe for some people the reasons that are mentioned below will be seemed outdated but they apply more or less almost in everyone, no matter who we are, where we live, how we were raised.

Reasons why a woman wants a relationship

  1. Relationships for women are not a kind of statement and are not a kind of important responsibility either.

As it was mentioned in the previous post a relationship (especially for men) is a statement like “I am responsible for my feelings and actions and I will do my best in this relationship to make my partner happy”. But usually women don’t fully understand this statement. No offence, I am  not saying that women don’t give the best they have in a relationship (let’s not forget the maternal side of a woman and that because of it she wants to take care and educate everyone and everything around her). However, the other truth is that the phrase “I cannot offer you what you want” is usually being said by men. Eventually, this is the way the two genders have been socially formed under the pressure of patriarchy: a man should always have the ability to offer and a woman should be always ready to accept.

  1. After some age women seem “programmed” to want a permanent relationship

Obviously this is not something that we should take it for granted. Women equally as men cannot be “programmed” beyond their will. However, women around 30 years old tend to feel anxious about the time they will have a permanent relationship and will create their own families – this stress is due to family and social pressure they receive (and at some point even men feel the same kind of pressure). At this point I should make clear that I literally mean the phrase “They make a decision to feel anxious”. Nobody feels  anxiety unless someone wants to feel it or decides to live his/her life in a stressful instead of a calm way. Thus, nobody can convince a woman to be a wife or a mother if she doesn’t want it. Women who will pursue this –under their anxiety pressure – it is because they wrongly believe that they will prove to people who put “pressure” on them that they are desirable, successful, happy individuals (so they CAN get married). The mistake they are about to do is only theirs and the consequences of this mistake  will be also be only theirs too. Nobody will come later and say to a miserable woman: “I influenced you regarding your decision. I am sorry”.

  1. Women have been taught to say “I want a relationship” when actually many times they don’t

This is a big truth and unfortunately it is not accepted and understandable by many people. Even  nowadays it sounds weird when a man wants a relationship and a woman doesn’t. A woman who claims that she doesn’t wish a relationship at the best she will be characterized as “a person with no feelings” but commonly she would be “a whore”. This labeling led many women to suppress their instincts regarding independence, freedom and desire for sexual experiences. So they pretend that they really want a serious, permanent relationship. It is not that they want to lie to their partners, because frankly they lie to themselves. It is like a lesson that women are obliged to follow if they want to be “good girls”: keep deluding and pretend that you are only hungry for love, romance, commitment when the truth is that you also want pointless, meaningless, lustful experiences exactly as men do.

  1. Until nowadays the role model of the right, moral woman is the one of a woman in love who is completely loyal to a man

This reason is related to the one above. Female role model even nowadays is the one of a “housewife”, of a “good mate”, of a “loyal partner” and a “full of love woman for her husband and her children”. The maternal identity which has been attributed to every woman is so strong and of course there is no way every woman in this planet to be asked if she wants to keep her maternal identity. So, it is very difficult for a woman to be seen as an lone, independent and sexual person without the “protection” of a permanent partner. The idea of a free woman who desires from a man some understanding, love and space to be herself seems terrifying because most men do not know yet how to deal with such kind of women.

  1. Women who don’t want a relationship usually are scared to say it clearly

Directly related to the third reason. Personally I have met many women who once met a  guy who just wasn’t right for them, so they wanted to get rid of him or they wanted a simple sexual and non emotional relationship with him. A girlfriend recently told me: “We went for some drinks yesterday and the truth is that he seems a nice guy. But I don’t think I want to be with him for real. How can I say this without hurting him?”. This is the truth. Men have already learnt how to make things clear, but women still cannot manage saying “no” to an unwanted relationship. Fear? Insecurity? Indecisiveness? Guilt? Need to conserve the traditional female role model (which model cannot be similar with the male one especially regarding sexuality)? No matter what is the answer, women still need time to learn how to clarify in quick and courageous way what are their sexual desires for men.

  1. A woman without a relationship seems completely failed, while a man without a relationship seems successful, independent and charming

Another stereotype that is (more or less) stuck in our minds until the present time. A man is socially considered as the one who brings “the food in the table”, he is hard-working and his first priority is professional success because in this way he brings safety and comfort to his partner or his family. On the other hand a woman has completed her “socially” mission if she is married with a successful man (like the one above) and has given birth to his children. The best proof is those posters of ‘the 50s and the ‘60s which show beautiful housewives smiling inside their kitchen with every part of their glistening household around them. That was a clear “message” of where a woman “belongs” and what is her “job”. This message is still (more or less)being spread through current advertisement.

Nowadays a lot of people don’t have ideas and beliefs that people had in the ‘50s, but for a strange reason we keep thinking matters of our lives in a similar way: A man who didn’t marry in a young age is not considered as unsuccessful. He is been thought as an experienced, adventurous, picky with women, charming bachelor! However, a woman who is not so young anymore and unmarried, she would be considered as a lonely, uninteresting, desperate for a man and probably problematic person. Otherwise why is she alone?

Instead of an epilogue

In the current post it has been analyzed why women are been considered as always willing and happy to have a relationship. In other words, this post is a trial from my side to explain why most of the times women are going to put themselves in a relationship process no matter their opposite feelings and second thoughts about it. Now all of us know a bit more that genders are not separated to “independent” and “dependent”, to “desperate for relationships” and “uninterested for relationships”. Two genders “carry” one social identity completely related with their sexual identity. The two identities keep influencing and changing each other and that’s why social identity of “man” and “woman” affects sexuality of the two genders. Of course we should not “get rid of” any of our identities: our sexual identity is the base of our instincts and emotions while our social identity helping us to categorize ourselves in this chaotic world. The one thing we should always remember is that identities should exist to help us and not to “prison” us. They are not some kind of “costumes” we are obliged to wear them no matter what is our size. Identities are here to give us the chance to meet/understand characteristics of ourselves through them. We are always something much more than our identities and for this reason we should always feel and act beyond them and beyond norms that are not expressing who exactly and truly we are.

 

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