Notes from Jorge Bucay’s book “From self-esteem to egotism”

20151106_193509Jorge Bucay is a really well-known psychotherapist but above all a really popular writer that his books are bought by millions of people around the world. A friend recently lent me a book by Bucay titled “From self-esteem to egotism”. He told me that it was a great book and I should definitely read it. I did and while I was “processing” book’s information I was writing down some notes. Here they are:

– Egotism means love for my ego. Some people believe that whether someone loves a lot himself/herself he/she cannot love enough other people. This cannot be true since nowadays we know that first we should learn loving ourselves and then others. The reasons vary why someone may not have strong emotions for others, but rarely is because of egotism. Love for other people comes from our ability and knowledge of love that we already have for ourselves.

– Someone who says that loves a lot other people but loves less himself/herself, he/she simply lies. None are capable to love other people when they don’t love themselves.

– Selfish is a person that prefers himself/herself than others. What is wrong with that?

– Adult love could come up when someone stops focusing on his/her own needs and starts giving with happiness to a person he/she loves.

– “It is better to talk a little and people think that – maybe – you are stupid instead of talking a lot and in the end nobody will doubt that you are”.

– Neurotic could be claimed someone who shows three specific types of behavior in a pathological grade (high frequency): bad mood, complaints and fear.

– Many feelings include a hidden fear: tiredness, hate, respect, disgust, rejection, nervousness, cowardice, repulsion, bad memories, embarrassment, resistance, awe, “awkward position” etc.

– Terror is related to perception of a real fact. Fear most of the times is just in our imagination and from there succeeds messing our perception.

– We have too much fear in our lives when we start worrying for situations that are not harmful or dangerous. Fear can poison our lives in a way that it would be hard to control it. This is not only a psychological result but also a physical result (due to substances that exist in our bodies).

– Sooner or later people learn to co-exist with terrorism and horror in their lives if they cannot do something to change that. Soon something dangerous and harmful could seem harmless and safe because people get used to even bad situations.

– Stress that has been created under negative, dangerous conditions that last for a long time could lead people to physical and psychological collapse. It is like a full exhaustion and disability of adaptation to difficult and intense changes like danger is.

– The only way to control fear is by dealing with it. When fear (that exists in our fantasy) is expressed as terror (reaction to a real situation) then fear is on the way of health.

– “Fear is a thought creation” Krishnamurti says. Fear is a series of thoughts. Terror is not. It’s more a reflection.

– All the fears are taught. No fear is natural. On the other hand terror is a natural reaction.

– When we say to someone “Be careful” or “Look after yourself”, we actually say “be afraid” and mean that if something bad happens to him/her we won’t be able to stand it (creation of fears because of our selfishness and our personal need to exorcise our fears).

– Stimulation is someone’s desire to experience something nice which finally becomes a decision. Some call it “positive stress”.

– Emotions that don’t end up in actions become nervousness and in this way “negative stress” and feeling of non satisfaction come-up.

– Panic is very intense stress and it is not related to fear. It has to do with terror of people who realize that they have emotions and thoughts that they cannot avoid.

– The difference between depression and sadness is that in depression we don’t feel, we don’t experience tension and deep emotions while in sadness everything hurts a lot and could affect us deeply and make us less happy.

– “Latent depression”: It is a common situation for people that live an intense life but without deep meaning. A person with this type of depression doesn’t understand that he/she is depressed and that his/her life is empty. He/she will be informed by a doctor about it.

– Fear is the other side of action. Only by action fear can be dealt with.

– Most people feel afraid of death because they don’t live their lives for real.

– There are three types of fear: loneliness, sense of weakness and lose of control.

– Some people evolve and develop and some others get old. It depends on the way people choose to live!

– We develop ourselves not only when we receive things but also when we offer things.

– Guilt is the unpleasant feeling of self-blame.

– There is guilt without making mistakes and making mistakes without guilt.

– Guilt comes up when we get into someone’s shoes, when we can imagine that he/she suffers.

– We feel guilty only when other people’s demands are similar to ours.

– A guilty person is a demanding person.

– Reversion: when I turn a negative emotion towards me in order to avoid an outburst towards someone else.

– We stop feeling guilty when we turn our aggressiveness towards someone else except ourselves.

– Anger is expressed in three ways: guilt, depression and psychosomatic disorders.

– If we believe someone who tells us “I feel wonderful because of you” we should be prepared for the moment the same person will tell us “I feel terrible because of you”. Alternatively let’s accept that everyone is responsible for his/her emotions and no one is able to make someone else feel some specific emotions without permission.

– Sense of “almightiness” makes us feeling responsible and also guilty for everything.

– International philanthropic actions are based on guilt of many people who live much better than many other people.

– Pity is a despicable thought. It is the feeling of arrogant people and people that feel better than others.

– Guilt is a muzzle that we wear it only to those who don’t bite!

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